Depression forever

Hi, I'm new here and totally confused. Hope somebody can point me in the right direction. I'm a 54 yeard old divorced female (have been divorced for a long time), one grown up, self sufficient son. I have experienced different degrees of depression and anxiety for about forty years now. Have never gone through therapy nor taken any meds apart from a brief encounter with lithium that my doc descibed as a "mood equalizer" several years ago. This actually was given to me to help me relax. Things were pretty good in my life then but I was not getting enough rest and sleep. No, I don't think I was manic, at least not in the Van Gough or Pollock style. Lithium made me terribly dpressed and I quit taking it soon after it had been prescribed.
As a child, I suffered from insomnia to the point when my parent started carting me over to visit different doctors at age 3. At about age 10 I stated feeling anxious (that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach) and added to it by not always fullfiling my obligations (i.e homework not done). This continued and got progressively worse making my unable to function normally at times. By the time I was 14 I started feeling sad and inadequate and afraid of trying or, more accurately completing most projects. This, in turn, mad me feel like a failure and very inadequate as compared to my contemporaries. Yet, I've always been a good actress and nobody in my surroundings was aware of the turmoil that was inside me. Needless to say I ''ve had several failures due to lack of initiative , persevierance and patience. In my personal life I have either been pursued or a pursuer. When involved I have always created some drama and on some occassions completely sabotaged my relationships. when faced with rejection my immediate reaction was the wish to commit suicide. Made a couple of attempts, two serious, two more of a show. Over the past several years I habe been more ad more depressed, lethargic and unable to perform those taks that I normaly consider somple and straightforward. I cannot fall asleep unless I take doublre dose of sleeping tablets. an then have trouble getting out of be becuse it means facing reality which is pretty bleak at the moment. I seem to be on some path of seelf destruction - just don't know why. I've been avoiding my friends with a couple of exceptions and leave home only when i abolutely have to. Walk the dog, get some groceries. I read a lot and find this activity relaxing. Still, am unable to deal with my practical my problems which a beginning to pile up. I can , when absolutely necessay put up on a good front and apppear normal, interesting and eve entertaining. People generally respond to me but those are the ones who don't know that I'm a walking poster for suicide. my depressia seems to abate when there a positive events accuring and I'm perfectly capable of enyoing little pleaures, such as bright sun, taking care of my animils, have good relationship with my son and my mother. In general,I don't find it difficult to meet and maintain friends, and people tend to like me, even find me interesting. I'm most awful procrastinater and it has, over the years created a great many serious problems. when I'm down, really down, all I want to do is hide an die (the easiest way possible) This hs been happening a lot lately and am really scared. I have been reading various sites and forums and am petrified of meds, the side effects I've becpme aware of are terryfying. As for psychotherapy I would find extremey difficult to delve into my past and intimate feelings. I don't know how to deal with this, my eyes are swiollen form the weeping bouts - I only walk my dog when it's dark so that nobody can see. I have avery supportive partner, and I should be calling him right now, but procrastination has taken over. Whatever disorder this might be, it seems to be allieviated by some positive events and circumstances where my mood and evergy undergoes significant improvement only to be crushed be some negatives. Please help, what should I do. Have appointememtwithmy PCP next with re some physical symptoms, namelu severe abdominal pain attacks - no w I begging to thing they may be related
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I understand you're afraid to delve into past trauma, but it sounds like you really need to do that. You haven't opened up to a single person; you've hid your depression and anxiety. Since you say you've thought about suicide, this is serious. You need to do something.

Decide now what you're going to do. Are you going to see a doctor? Do you want to go on medication? Do you want to try some trauma techniques?

My brother committed suicide, so I am begging you not to get to the point that you do. I miss my brother terribly. I'm sure your son would miss you terribly. Please, do what you can to make sure that suicide does not occur.